The Party Never Stops (Short Story)

This is  new idea that I working on and I still don’t have a very permanent idea of where it’s going.  I hope for feedback and critique and maybe a complement or two. Its going to get creepy is all that I’m going to say an don’ be fooled by the beginning.



Tonight was the night. After a year of exams and application forms and waiting in tense agony, Abigail was finally accepted to her first choice University. She was ready to pursue her academic dreams but before that she had to go to a couple of wicked college parties and forget why she came to college in the first place. It was Fresher’s week and after a day or so of unpacking, signing up for classes and getting her bearing around the new college environment; she was going out with her roommate Sarah to get completely wasted. Sarah was a junior and knew all the inner workings of everything to do with the university, including the party scene. Abby was lucky that they were assigned the same room and had become friends almost effortlessly.

Abby had never been concerned with being cool or popular but it looked like this year she wouldn’t have a choice in the matter as anyone that was friends with Sarah automatically got their names written in everyone’s ‘cool book’. And after only two days the gossip mongers were buzzing with her name. There was nothing Abby could do about it, so she didn’t complain. Maybe it would turn out to be a good thing.

The party was at a freshman’s house. He grew up in town and his siblings had attended the university; so there was another ‘cool pass’ if you ever seen one. His name had slipped Abby’s mind but it was something old fashioned. She assumed he belonged to one of the ‘old money’ families whose ancestors had founded the town and the University. She read about them when she was doing some research on the location online.

Abby had practically been obsessed with the place, it was her Mother’s dream University but she had not been able to attend when her father became ill. She was the only family the old man had, who could care for him. She put her dreams on hold and took night classes at the local college but never forgot her dream and consciously or unconsciously passed it on to her daughter. Abby’s home town was on the other side of the country; she wondered why her mother would stay and nurse Gramps when she was about to leave him for a city that far away.

Abby was hyper with excitement and all that coffee, she could barely stand still as she rummaged through her tiny dorm closet for an outfit. She had no idea what college kids wore on a night out let alone in a rich town like this. It was actually a city but it had retained the old feel of a town as well as a lot of the historical buildings and artefacts. In the end everyone referred to the place as a town.

Finally she settled on a black mini dress (you can’t go wrong with a LBD, right?), knee length boots and a long purple coat over the outfit. She figured, she’d better go basic, less room to make a faux paus. Her wavy, auburn hair was loose in a shoulder length, messy style and her eye lids were heavily covered in smoky grey and black shadow. Her roommate Sarah was a little more daring in her choice of attire she wore a knee length red cocktail dress covered with little faux rubies; high, high stilettos and bright red lipstick that made her full mouth all the more noticeable. Her braided hair was in a high pony tails showing off the high check bones and bright eyes. She carried a short jacket that she wasn’t going to put on; her dress was too great to cover up.


“Ready to go Dorothy?”  Sarah asked

“Born ready, Fairy Godmother! I hope I don’t turn into a pumpkin at midnight.”

“Nah we’ll write our own ends to this story.”

“So do you know the guy who owns the house?” I asked as we got into a cab

“Ive seen him around once or twice. I know his family though, they go to the same church as my family but Sebastian never went with them. His brothers were very popular and with good reason they’re both gorgeous.” We laughed.  Sarah was a big player as far as I’ve seen. She’s always talking about guys.

“I always thought that Sebastian was the introverted type, didn’t expect him to follow in his brothers’ partying ways.” She said still chuckling

“this house its not where they actually live, right?”

“So you’ve heard. I was gonna surprise you with that. It actually the house their ancestors built when they started to make money here. More like a mansion than a house but you know how we all love to play at being simple towns folk here.” She said rolling her eyes

“Why would it be a surprise?”

“You’ll see when we get there.”

Sarah was right it was a mansion. And it was old and seriously creepy. I couldn’t believe they partied here. I half expected the ghost of the original owners to come down the hall berating us and damning us all to hell.  The house was well maintained, restored just like the rest of the town. The chandeliers were polished and shining so were the dark wood floor and furniture. The ballroom was a splice between a rave and colonial glamour. It was strange but it worked. It more than worked; it looked amazing, like going back in time.

The way people were dressed suited the theme of the house: some wore tuxedos and gala gowns just off the runways; others in torn jeans and flannel shirts; goth garb; costumes; modern club-wear and over the top like Sarah in sequins and jewels from head to toe.

There was a DJ but he was in another party room but his mixes were broadcasted to the whole house and the surrounding grounds. People spilled out of every room of the house and were all around, [the house] outside. It was a party without limits or boundaries. I think I even saw a clown somewhere in all the craziness.

Sarah was having a great time showing me around, introducing me to everyone and of course flirting nonstop. It seemed that getting an invite to this event was directly proportional to how good looking you were. It was a little unnerving, beautiful people every where and not just the stereotypical slim, pale beauties but every shape, color and subculture. Pretty goths, skaters, snobs, bookworms and everyone in between. It was like a personal collection of people and again I felt that the whole situation was really creepy but it wasn’t like Sarah was giving me a chance to think about anything other than the task at hand: getting sloshed.  I tried not to drink too much but in the spirit of the party; we were living a night without limits.

I finally got a chance to talk to Sarah alone when were outside for some air.

“Dude! This is crazy” I slurred

“Tell me about it!” she said grinning like a fool

“How come no one knows about this? I mean, in other cities. Hell, other countries! This is… I don’t know! It’s something else. There must be hundreds of people here.” I was just about ranting at this point

Sarah just laughed and shook her head. I heard footsteps behind us and a tall figure stepped from the shadows. Who is that?

“Hi Sarah.” A husky voice says from the shadows

“Hi Sebastian, great party! I thought it wouldn’t happen this year since Liam went away to Graduate school.”

“It’s tradition. Who am I to change that?” he said graciously “Hi, I don’t think we’ve met before” he said looking straight into my eyes in a way that made me uncomfortable.

Our host Sebastian didn’t seem to take after his gorgeous brothers. He wasn’t ugly just very plain: average except for his height, with longish medium brown hair, brown eyes and was neither pale nor tan; neither slim nor muscular.  He just was, nothing more.

I’m Abigail but everyone calls me Abby. This party is amazing, I was just asking Sarah-“

Why no one talks about it or knows about it outside town?


He stepped closer and leaned in.

“Well Abigail, because it’s a secret. Our little secret.”


2 thoughts on “The Party Never Stops (Short Story)

  1. Hi there S.A., I’m taking you up on your offer since you seemed so eager. As a lover of horror fiction you have piqued my interest already, I want to know the secret!

    On my first trip through this post my initial reaction was “Why does the author keep saying Abby’s name?” Followed by confusion when you switched to first person POV from third person POV. On second reading I took the initial portion of the writing to be a character sketch, but it then leaves the rest of the story lacking in character depth. So my first suggestion to you would to be resolve the POV conflict and settle for one or the other. If you wish to keep it then introduce Abby’s history as an outsider story teller viewing an interview, then flow into her account in the first person a la “Interview With a Vampire”. (If you haven’t read Anne Rice’s excellent novel I strongly suggest you do! The movie doesn’t do the depth of character and lush descriptions of the world they inhabit justice. You can skip the rest of the Vampire Chronicles though, after “The Vampire Lestat” it goes downhill in a hurry.)
    A simpler alternative would to be to translate the character sketch into a conversation between Abby and Sarah as they are preparing for the party. This will give you the opportunity to give us a better visual of Abby (Sarah’s is fine, I have an image in my head for her; Abby is just a little black dress and puff of hair) as well as a distinctive voice.

    “Finally she settled on a black mini dress (you can’t go wrong with a LBD, right?), knee length boots and a long purple coat over the outfit. She figured, she’d better go basic, less room to make a faux paus.” This put your parenthetical statement in a proper place, outside of conversation or “overheard” thoughts in a third person context parenthesis aren’t good for text flow. Also, like me, you tend to abuse the humble comma. *She figured she’s go basic with less room to make a faux paus.* It flows fine with out the commas. When transcribing speech you’re going to find a lot of commas because it is how we naturally express ourselves, even fast talkers have breaks in speech. Part of the art of writing is to find that smooth flow that both feels natural to reader but avoids unnecessary punctuation and repetition that tends to wear your reader down.

    “There was a DJ but he was in another party room but his mixes were broadcasted to the whole house and the surrounding grounds. People spilled out of every room of the house and were all around, [the house] outside. It was a party without limits or boundaries. I think I even saw a clown somewhere in all the craziness. ”
    The first sentence here is very awkward and confused and careful with the tenses. (broadcasted would be past tense, broadcast is present, in this situation you want present tense.) I love the last sentence. Try:
    * There was a DJ in another room and his mixes were broadcast through the whole house and out into the surrounding grounds. People spilled out of every room and onto the grounds, I think I even saw a clown in all the craziness!*

    While I’ve noticed the trend away from this in modern storytelling, I’d like to hear more descriptions of what the characters are seeing and feeling. Tell me why the mansion is so creepy, paint me a picture in words of what the ballroom looked like. Were there lights? Did it have an inlaid floor? Windows? What were the grounds like? Was it a vast lawn screen from the road by old growth trees? Was it a garden with overgrown topiary? Set the mood for me and put me in the world you’re seeing in your head.
    I’m not sure why so many authors these days seem to avoid descriptions of locations, I assume it is related to the fact that we are so programmed by movie viewing we’ve gotten lazy in the imagination and are pretty fine with inserting a generic creepy mansion into the scene. In my personal opinion what sets a good writer apart from an excellent writer is the ability to take that generic image and craft into something special and unique with out beating me over the head with a ton of tiny details. I point that out since the other trend seems to be authors overdoing it and filling a page with the description of a car or dress.

    Please continue telling this story, I look forward to reading more. As we discussed on Elana’s blog, write your rough draft, give it a couple of days and then rewrite the whole thing. You won’t be sorry!

    • First of all thank you so much for taking the time to read and critique my story!
      I was actually aiming for something like an Ann Rice novel. Switch point of view, didnt quite pull it off i see. I’ll take all your advice to mind and work on a second draft of this…. I agree about writers putting too much description and i didnt want to do that and kept some of the details out…. but i was going to tell the story in a non linear way (don’t know if it will make sense) so this wouldn’t be the last time thoughts and feelings of the ‘Creepy mansion’ are mentioned. lol
      thank you you’ve given me loads to think about…. Can’t wait to get back to writing this with all your comments in mind…
      If you had a Critique blog it’d be the most popular on WordPress lol XD
      thanks again

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